Sorry to add another comment. The Hot Crazy Matrix basically asks whether the same could be said for men being attracted to crazy women. The reason for the popularity of the HCM is because we have ourselves or known someone who has been in a turbulent relationship with someone who was emotionally unstable, and have been warned off of them by despairing friends and family who cannot understand why anyone would stay in the relationship, Blanchard said. Women With Traits of BPD Why Did She Lie, Breakups With Women With Traits of BPD Five Misconceptions That Keep Men From Letting Go and Moving On, Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD: How to Let Go of the Good Times, Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment, Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD. Pulled me then pushed me away. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y Manning, Marsha M Linehan available in Trade Paperback on Powells.com, also read synopsis and reviews. It is better be a wise guy and use the knowledge and wisdom you provide to detect and avoid women who do not have the necessary skills to maintain a healthy and sustainable relationship. Your husband might not be willing to try anything new at this point, but you can use this technique to regulate his anger and if you write down the suggested language for him, he may be willing to say the words to you that will allow you to express your upset feelings in a less destructive way. I spent every night working with him on his homework and his teacher thanked me for whatever I was doing to motivate him. I hope you take heart in realizing that the relationship skills you possess are valuable. We are mindset coaches and want to offer this content for the betterment of the BPD community. Wanted to help her but she dismissed me and my feelings blaming me for everything her reactions were nasty and verbally violent. But thats not going to stop anytime soon and were not going to get any better magically. 10% US Women Have Borderline Personality Disorder 85% of people suffering from BPD are women and account for about 5% of the US population. It takes self-discipline to remember the good things that he has done, instead of focusing on the negative (completely natural), but you CAN think positively, even if its just one thing; it still offers a light to walk toward. However, beauty and charm offer very little protection from toxic childhood situations that leave people damaged. I have one question for you though that I just cant seem to find an answer for online. You dont understand women We were born in the same year and liked a lot of the same stuff (music, mainly movies, TV etc). I dont think that was the intention, but it looked that way. This devalued her intelligence, sense of humor, and companionship. Everything was made difficult. I just had to comment on how helpful I have found your writing and analysis. However she was not able to process this. One is that they will lose interest in the relationship which will often happen with men who have solid boundaries and refuse to leap into love with them. Sex is not sought out for shared pleasure, but rather for the purpose of avoiding being alone. Do you know how difficult it is to find treatment? Can she change? I hope some other (exs) partners etc can relate as I find it very helpful to read such things. Listen in today to hear a message of hope and encouragement and to add being honorable to your moral compass! Having said this though she has completely ruined me as a person and i would love to understand how one minute i was everything and now im her worst enemy and the cause of all her problems, really struggling to cope and its more sad to think after all thw torture i Im a scientist and, if you dont mind me asking, how in the world did you get such a phenomenally accurate understanding of this? But its not outright manipulation. Am I forever doomed to pay the price for being a Nice Guy? But for some reason we cant help assuming that everyone thinks the same way, our way. Without available resources and education on what causes this behavior and why it is so common among women it becomes very difficult for men to get the sense of clarity and separation they need to disengage and move on from these kinds of relationships. These men tend to care so deeply about their connections that they do not need to struggle in the way the average person does to keep others needs in mind. My therapist worded it perfectly.relationship transitions are difficult for you. We all need to be intelligent about how things work in relationships and that takes a lot of studying and discrimination in what we read. You may also benefit from forums where there are individuals who have been through exactly what you have been through, with stories so similar that make you feel like they are talking about your girlfriend instead of their own. Judge not lest you be judged. If your perspective was accurate about all men, I could support your reasoning for staying emotionally disengaged from men. I wanted to ask though I have been broken up with my Bpd girlfriend for 5 months now and have met and began a relationship with a very sweet nice girl. End up with two young kids. And its absolutely unfair to make them feel pain as a result of my internal crap. Joe, thanks for your very relevant contribution to this discussion. She cannot articulate why. Its like its more about what I dont do or dont do right then what I do wrong. P.S. If they are far enough out on the spectrum of BPD to warrant a diagnosis, they may find themselves isolated, but it is not because they are loners. When we observe abusive relationships between nice-guy types and women with traits of BPD, we find that these men have an extraordinarily hard time leaving their girlfriends even when they know they should. Living with intense or uncontrollable anger. Everything was over text too. And now knowing what a serious disorder BPD is and how difficult the recovery process is, I choose to live my life for myself first and will continue to always live my life that way, and fortunately in my situation it would never work having a relationship with my exGF exhibiting traits of BPD. Its hard. I find this because they will sometimes threaten a breakup to get a response from you even though they have no intention of actually wanting that and use it as leverage to make them feel more secure that you wont leave them. If I wrote her a short letter just offering to be there for her if she needed someone, how do you think a woman such as her would take that? Your not worth the financial convienience Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy or clinical services. New Moon, the second installment in the Twilight Saga universe, has long-been viewed as the worst book/movie in the series. I searched the internet and found all kinds of information to decipher her crazy-making behavior like how one minute she tells me she wants to marry, and next she is leaving me. She has an overriding fear of relationship betrayal. Now she is in a horrible depressive state, and I am getting her into a 2-month hospital treatment program. She injected herself with an overdose of some medication she had been given for eczema. We are mindset coaches and want to offer this content for the betterment of the BPD community. No offense but your writing is very derogatory, I was diagnosed with BPD and later on I was rediagnosed with PTSD. Listen in today to hear a message of hope and encouragement and to add being honorable to your moral compass! In a response I received via email, you stated that my ex may have kicked me to the curb due to anger (its more than that Im sure) but then might feel very warm towards me when I am gone. Situations like this can take time to recover from, but it sounds like you are on the right path. Contact us today at 1-844-9-THRIVE. I found this podcast about a year ago in March 2022. Please know that many people reading your comment are supporting you. The latest psychology and neuroscience discoveries. Schedule a mindset coaching session today here: https://www.skeetersstrength.com/product/individual-sessions/ Get your gear here: https://thrive-merchandise.creator-spring.com/? Im glad to hear that you are doing so well in recovering from this destructive experience. . You can use them during calm times: Thank you for helping with the kids. Check out this article for confirmation of this assertion: https://ct.counseling.org/2022/10/not-a-monster-destigmatizing-borderline-personality-disorder/ In this episode, I talk about how I have been able to tolerate suffering after recovery having come to experience the grace of God and having come to learn how to give myself and those around me that same grace- generous, free, totally unexpected, and totally undeserved courteous good will and kindness. Of course, if you see what problems you have, and if your partner truly understands how you work and when to leave it alone. It felt so damn real. yes am nice guy too and put up with all the crap like a fool ,I said sorry when I was not even in the wrong to keep peace and generally kiss ass , well I finally snapped and stormed round there and told her everything she is and what she does and said this is not working and lets call it a day and then thats when the tables turned lol, now she is kissing arse and doing what I was doing and she had the cheek to say Partly, I am terrified of losing redidential custody, even though she has told my daughter she doesnt love her or want her. Both nice-guy types and women with traits of BPD tend to believe that the other possesses the same natural skills and deficits. They come very strong and very quick. In my case, knowing enough about the disorder and crucially, our arms -length situation meant that i was able to sit back and observe throughout.That still didnt stop at least three periods of decent personal upset/ annoyance (as you are still putting in effort and loyalty when the inevitable curveballs come). The following post contains spoilers for the movies mentioned. Very rebellious like does stuff out of spite. A . And my setting her straight should allow her to dislike me (again, lol) for as long as she chooses. Her father cheated on her mother and her mother would share way too much information about it with her kids (she actually drove her kids around looking for her father while he was cheating and telling the kids what was going on). Ive never been in love and Im hoping to keep it that way. Their focus and commitment to their relationship keeps them on the straight and narrow. For claritys sake, its worth mentioning that there is no specific medication that treats BPD directly. Im glad to hear you are doing better with it these days. This film is heavy, so if you have triggers surrounding self-harm, substance abuse or childhood trauma, it might be a good one to skip, even though it does a good job depicting some classic untreated BPD symptoms and behaviors. Baylie shares her own personal story with borderline personality disorder, substance use, love addiction, and the importance of addressing her trauma through treatment in addition to sharing about the. Listen in today to hear a message of hope and encouragement and to add being honorable to your moral compass! This podcast is the absolute best! In the DSM-5, symptoms of BPD include intense, unstable, and conflicted personal relationships. Having a pattern of unstable relationships often characterized by idealizing or devaluing a person (also known as black and white thinking or splitting). Find a therapist who understands personality disorders, Borderline Personality Disorder and Character Assassination, 3 Ways to Hold a Blame-Shifter Responsible, Walking Corpse Syndrome: Dawn of the Living Dead, 3 Persistent, Harmful Myths About Personality Disorders, Making Sense of Emotions in Borderline Personality Disorder, Observing Borderline Personality Family First-Hand, The Underlying Causes of Borderline Personality Disorder. Having frequent suicidal thoughts or engaging in self-harm. There are, of course, benefits to that, but if you zoom out and look at the bigger picture of the way that mental illness is represented through books and movies, there is a problem. Ive been living the dream for over a decade and have five kids. Humans are naturally a little bit selfish, and we fade in and out of this slightly narcissistic mode as we go through life. For example, one study demonstrated that women with BPD symptoms reported greater chronic . The type of personality that so often gets caught up in a relationship with a woman with traits of BPD is what we might call a nice guy type. Her defenses will kick in and she will have to revert to her negative perspective of you in order to feel safe from betrayal or being taken advantage of. It isnt surprising knowing what she went through growing up with such dysfunctional parents. I took care of all her needs, supported her as best as I could, fell in love and in the end was left devalued, hurt, and with no understanding of what really happened. Its safe to say her mother isnt stable either. Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy or clinical services. She just cannot express emotions. And unfortunately, this is where you seem to be. My health has been the worst its ever been and I just try to do more and more in hopes that she would see my effort and love. Make Sense of the Beautiful Chaos: What a Woman with Borderline 10 Movies That Got Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms (Mostly) Right Always the victim, its never your fault! Also, it saddens me to observe that the average western woman turns her back to nice guys so she can sleep around with bad and narcissistic guys in her teens and early twenties. Empathic understanding of Jasmines feelings will allow him to respond to her more constructively and more supportively. This girl definitely was a complete con artist and extremely selfish I figured about her mental instability within a couple months into the relationship and even tried to leave as I doubted at that time that she could anytime assault me, but the con artist that she was, she never let me go( she would huh me and cry like hell) And she had this unrelenting quench to get her things done by meAll hell used to break loose when I failed to do somethingThe relationship lasted for an year and a half during which time I never had time really to figure out what exactly her problem wasAfter the break up I felt soo devastated and almost convinced that she just used me as I never saw any remorse in her faceI felt really betrayed and became vengeful but I was controlled by my friends around me There after I started researching online to make sense of what happenedThat is when I came across BPD which completely explained every behaviour of hersShe had a divorce and a broken relationship before meAnd her ex bf once happened to call me after my breakup misinterpreting my number as hers. Last year I freed myself from a 2-year relationship with a BPD woman. I tried my best to calm her down and even offered to get her a change of cloths. Repeating of the cycle - the trigger. Your comment is awaiting moderation. Maybe that is why she stayed in this previous relationship. Women With Traits of BPD: Why Cant She Trust Me? I have fixed it up, and have so much money tied into it, I could lose my retirement if this keeps happening. Her ego is so fragile and her sense of self is so delicate, she will do anything to protect it. I know she meant the things she said to me but do women like this also say things that they think their partner wants to hear? The merry-go-round pattern of feeling the need to consistently please others in order to avoid being alone causes instability of mood and instability in relationships. The film is known for themes of teenage angst and self-destruction, and was loosely based on Reeds life from ages 12 to 13. OK, since you cant take the credit for that, then you can take the credit for taking the time to put all this together for people like me. During this time I was forced to have her admitted again as she was aiming to attempt suicide again. BPD Is Still A Controversial Diagnosis For Black Women - Refinery29 This is a guarantee that she will not be able to find in the average partner. So there can be some awareness of the moral consequences of her decisions, but she doesnt take them seriously. Borderline Personality Disorder is no longer considered a chronic illness. This relationship has affected me in ways that no man could ever describe. Thank god I didnt invest too much or else I would be heartbroken. Why why why ! I have booked myself 18 sessions of psychodynamic therapy to cope with this as I really need it. Contact us today at 1-844-9-THRIVE. This can help her in later years to cope with fallout from the very sad situation she is in right now. I have been in relationships with 3 if not more people I would classify as BPD based on being just really smart, only one was diagnosed, however only one went to therapy. Through the romanticization of it, mental illness is minimized and beautified and almost turned into something that is cool and desirable as opposed to a painful struggle. The reason they can so easily block out reality is that they are using their emotional processing center to process most of their experiences. #MightyTogether. It has been recorded that in time, perhaps even after 10 years of . My ex has a big heart, and I know she struggles with this. Well, you have done what very few men have been able to do. : ). I still see her almost everyday because were in school together, but she hasnt spoken to me in seven months and goes out of her way to ignore me, reject me, walk around and away from me, etc. I was always careful to support her in her attempts to discipline him and keep him on track, even though at times I felt it was extreme. I have been nothing but kind and supportive but feel at this point that hope is lost. This will cause you to revert back to just being yourself feeling they didnt hold up their end of the bargain. Most are completely unaware and lack the insight about it, if they did they wouldnt have the problem or you couldnt really call the borderline. I just saw this reply. Again things were good for a while but she would blame everything on me. I am in a relationship for 6 years now, its been really hard work, but I believe people can make it work. I feel beaten up and changed, and depressed thinking its my fault, and anxious ,as I still love her. If your spouse suffers from significant symptoms of this disorder, you are most likely affected on a daily basis. The article above is very truthful. It is important to understand that although you are accurate that women in a narcissist society such as ours lose their ability to override their animal instinct and will choose narcissistic qualities over qualities of decency, associating a womans desire for sex with contamination has also been shown to be a primitive and instinctually-driven belief. You can lead a great life with a sensitive, intense, hyperbolic or any temperament for that matter with hard work, grit, endurance, tenacity, and the willingness to get uncomfortable. This is because individuals with BPD tend to suffer painful feelings of emptiness almost all the time. Her thoughts are so unusual I feel I have more understanding than most therapists on the disorder. I guess Im just feeling lost. Although I am attracted to the new girl the sexual chemistry does not seem as strong. This triad of traits locks them very tightly into their negative behavior patterns. Some are ready and able given the right partner mix, others still need to learn the hard way. Youre very intelligent. Is there anything I can do to give you the space you need to study? While it can seem like Hollywood either depicts BPD badly or not at all,there are actually movies some believe accurately depict symptoms people with BPD experience. I dont know how to fully explain myself. James I can understand where you are coming from. I been with her for 16 months and same accusations, lieing , no empathy , no compassion for others and only nice when is on the take ,slowly losing friends and family due to issues . The ability to experience physical love with another individual is compromised when sex is used as an instrument of power. Thank you Rose for this podcast and Jay too! In my experience as a good guy (not nice guy as I have NO problem calling out maddening behaviour lol) BPD woman are simply increasing NO- WIN propositions. Ive had one that would be very charitable with money and things to the needy etc, maybe this was a way to overcompensate for being emotionally selfish. anyway, am i best to leave her since shes always angry. He is perplexed by defense mechanisms that most people know how to watch out for. When I read your article, it seemed to me that you were saying that those with bpd cannot control their behaviors. We are mindset coaches and want to offer this content for the betterment of the BPD community. He loves me and my BDP but he has respect for himself and he has a backbone. Some viewers have associated this period of time with the BPD symptom of dissociation, which is a mental experience that causes a person to disconnect from their present circumstances, thoughts, memory and identity. But new research suggests that many men find traits associated with borderline personality disorder to be appealing in physically attractive women. That is a really great question. This is not a concept . Well I hate to make it sound like revenge cause I am so not that kind of person but its what they do to you and its shocking Rather, these instances that seem like manipulations are desperate attempts to get what they need to feel good, to escape psychological pain. Because, take it from me, if you dont and she does the ending, it will take you a lot longer to recover from the experience. There is a specific reason why these women are drawn to a nice-guy type over other types of personality. What amazes me the most is the fact that I played the knight in shining armor part down to the last detail. It is a quote that I think really sums her up and our relationship. Jenny, although the behaviors that may go along with BPD can be hurtful, they can also be stopped. Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship, 3 Ways to Hold a Blame-Shifter Responsible, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, An Addiction Myth That Needs to Be Revisited, 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. Most people imagine that this kind of fear centers around the more obvious forms of betrayal such as infidelity or relationship abandonment. My problem is if I leave, the children will suffer. We offer mindset coaching only for individuals nationally and internationally. Its very difficult to keep someone like this in your good graces. On the other hand, you feature dialogue techniques that help to assuage the out-of-control emotions and thoughts that plague such relationships and that help to develop a sense of trust and security in the BPD partner. Terms. He cheated on her and actually was physically abusive with her yet she stayed in the relationship. My ex has had several relationships (about 12 so far) and does admit she knows there is something wrong but is in her own words too afraid to know. Nicola, sorry if I this is not the main topic of your blog, I just wanted to say this for *young nice guys* that have trouble lying to get laid: derive your self-worth and self-respect from yourself only, do not use flirting and the modern woman (and any kind of external validation whatsoever) to feel better or prideful, this must be a daily and inner working. The answer to which men should choose to stay in a relationship with a woman with traits of BPD and use techniques that stop the negative behaviors and which should leave depends on how extreme these behaviors are and how committed the relationship is. Its head spinning! The participants viewed a facial photograph of each target individual, along with a brief biography. Both my husband and I were walking on eggshells with our daughter. Another important aspect is the fact that women with traits of BPD feel extreme humiliation due to rejection, exponentially more than the average person. I am currently in recovery of bpd, and I have to say that what you said in your article is not always the case. Its nearly 5 months since she left, and I am still in crisis and fearful for my kids futures. I suppose I suffer from this nice guy syndrome. Its so frustrating when you know your right but she will insist on something completely irrational. Making frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Healthy // Toxic: Relationships with Narcissistic, Borderline, and other Personality Types, Borderline and Back: Hope, Management and Resilience for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).