You wont be able to keep your head down long enough. How can you tell which golfer is a womanizer? 4. Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl. No matter what you shoot the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin again and make yourself into something. "It's good to see there is still some respect in the world." "Well, it's only right," the first golfer replies. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. So, what are your thoughts? Wodehouse You "Putt" Me In A Great Mood. Why did Tarzan spend so much time at the golf course? If you break 80, watch your business.". The flowing robes, the grace, bald striking. I'm hoping to be a sore loser." Related: Best Ways On How To Flirt With A Guy Over Text? Your email address will not be published. ~ Sijin Bt. 4. Why did Arnold Palmer get beat up? I like big putts and I cannot lie. A smart shot is when you dont have the guts to try it. Phil Mickelson, 4. Ben Hogan, I dont play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good. Drop some in the comments! After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin, and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin. Play golf. I stepped on a rake. Henny Youngman in a high-pitched voice. Im going to wash my balls, you want yours washed, too?, My arms are tired, I had so many strokes.. ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales, 15+ Easy and Funny Animal Riddles for Kids (with answers) 2023, 79 HILARIOUS Holiday Jokes For A Jolly Mood, 49 Jokes about Teachers and Students (that work like Science: Always get a reaction), 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! Andrew Barton Paterson, A boss once told me, Colleen, its not about the meeting, its about the scotch after the meeting. Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella to the golf course? One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He went up to her, talked to her, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. Youve got to loosen your girdle and really let the ball have it. Babe Didrikson Zaharias, 43. Golf tips are like Aspirin: One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle youll be lucky to survive. Harvey Penick, 17. Dirt your body. They have a hard drive. And only one secret has emerged, one swing of thought that always works. Hey babycan you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose? Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray. It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing youre a bad golfer. Henny Youngman, Go play golf. "If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.". John shouts back in a nervous voice, Throw me my 8-iron! Why is Hearts a golfers worst card game? In case he gets a hole in one. Try choking donw on the shaft. 9. Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't All Spiritual Signs & Inspirational Signs, TV Stands, Media Tables, & Media Furniture, The Most Important Things In Life Aren't Things. You look like you'd be a great ball-washer. Discover and share Dirty Quotes For Women Golfers. You're more beautiful than a hundred pink flamingos on a golf course. What is the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball lost in the rough? No defenders, no game clock, no excuses. Andy to ave a water golf ball retriever for the round with you! If you break 80, watch your business. Short Golf Jokes & Puns 1. Sometimes a good joke can lighten up the mood. Fore-get Me Nots. And three, have a passion for what youre doing. Juli Inkster, 28. P. G. Wodehouse, The difference between a good golf shot and a bad one is the same as the difference between a beautiful and a plain woman a matter of millimeters. What do you getll a blonde at the driving range? Golf is a game invented by God to punish people who retire early. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. But dont take it from us, check out the funny golf quotes below and enjoy a laugh or two. H. G. Wells, The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. J.R. Rim, Till saints and angels hymn forevermore / The miracle of your astounding score / And He who keeps all players in His sight / Walking the royal and ancient hills of light / Standing benignant at the eighteenth hole / To everlasting Golf consigns your soul. The end. Whos there? Mulligans are the reason golf balls come three to a sleeve. Funny and dirty medical pick-up lines and doctor hook-up lines. Jeff Foxworthy, In order to develop a golf swing, your thoughts must run in the right direction. Dave Barry, Golf is the only game I know where you call a foul on yourself. How many strokes was that? Showing 1 to 56 of 56 entries Click me to show the form! Here, have a carrot! Ben Hogan, The golf swing has been endlessly analyzed, and yet it still remains a mystery. Paul Gallico, I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. Hi there! Jack Benny. If you dont take it seriously, its no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart. Whats the difference between a golf ball and a car? "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Clubbing. Jennifer Wyatt, Muscular freedom is probably more important in golf than in any other sport, but very few players take the trouble to get loosened up. Yiha, you are already subscribed with this email :). happen again! Go to the golf course. "Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. Moe Norman, ALL of us play our very best game / Any other time / Golf or billiards, its all the same / Any other time / Lose a match and you always say, Just my luck! Bruce Lansky, Author. Sawdust City LLC. Two rounds a day are plenty. No other game combines the wonder of nature with the discipline of sport in such carefully planned ways. 21. After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young woman by the clubhouse. What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? Jim Bishop, I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. As in, surf the web, gather knowledge, and share them. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. Dirty Golf Jokes - Dirty Golfing Jokes - Jokes4us.com Two, be your own person. Hitting the ball well is about thirty percent of it. He was puttering around. Follow These Tips on How To Handle Frustration. Photo: Shutterstock. Whos there? Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. A man without a woman is like a pistol without a trigger; it is the woman who makes the man go off. James Murray, Enjoyment of golf, regardless of the level you play at, is primarily based on how closely you play to your level of ability. I had a hole in nothing. USE OF AND/OR REGISTRATION ON ANY PORTION OF THIS SITE CONSTITUTES ACCEPTANCE OF OURVISITOR AGREEMENT(UPDATED 1/6/23),PRIVACY AND COOKIES NOTICE(UPDATED 1/4/23) ANDCALIFORNIA PRIVACY NOTICE. Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? Lorii Myers, Perhaps more than any other sport, golf focuses pressure on the player. Being a thoughtful person, and a social being, I find it very amusing to explore people's thoughts, observations, and experiences. Full Text: The Most Important Things In Life Aren't Things Features: Size: 7x36 inches Made from solid knotty pine Beveled edges Routed slot in back for hanging. I like big putts and I cannot lie. Relate what your buddy said after a five-putt, the joke your grandfather made about the ballwasher or your golf junkie pal's philosophy about the parallel between golf and life. You've got the nicest boobs I've seen outside a PGA Tour locker room. 5. A shot that goes in the cup is pure luck, but a shot to within two feet of the flag is skill. Ben Hogan, 5. The rest is being comfortable with the different situations on the course. Mickey Wright, 57. How we get there is as important as where we go. Old Tim Morris, 6. Required fields are marked *. Steve Alten, Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. You may have heard these renowned quotes about funny golf before. And now it will be poisoned for you. You grind it out. Tiger Woods, 54. 45 Dirty Jokes To Make You Laugh - PsyCat Games Siegfried Sassoon, Golf is the infallible test. "Golf is like a love affair. With trust, it feels like you and your golf club are partners dancing as one. Look at the size of his putter. Family Game: Do you really know your Family? 13 very funny (and occasionally inappropriate) golf memes All of them. I stepped on a rake. Hold your 2-iron in the air, because not even God can hit a 2-iron. Your email address will not be published. Recently, I have discovered that Blogging can be quite a useful way, to share. Henry Beard, Like clubs inside my golf bag / each verse a different face / Some to drive straight down the course / others lift and then embrace. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if youre not good at them. Roy Tin Cup McAvoy, the greatest that never was. The true funniest golf quotes of all time are likely never put to paper and aren't spoken by golfers or celebrities. Weve put together a list of our favorite jokes, golf puns, and one-liners you can bust out on the course, the range, or the pub to try and laugh off that 102 you just shot. They are the two things you can thoroughly enjoy even though you are really bad at them. Dont even putt. My doctor told me I cant play golf. Oh, when did he play with you?. Enjoy! My drives aren't always long and straight. What kind of model is Paige Spiranac? Do you know what the Lama says? I'd say how hard do I hit it, he'd tell me and I'd swing. Why don't golfers ever eat pie? The worst day of mini golf beats the best day of work. I have always had a drive that pushed me to try for perfection, and golf is a game that perfection stays just out of reach. Betsy Rawls, 12. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls. In golf as in life, it is the follow through that makes the difference. Anonymous, 34. That round was so poor, I think Im going to jump into the lake by the 16th and drown myself, I honestly doubt that. Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off. The pressure originates in yourself; it builds from doubts. You can talk about strategy all you want, but what really matters is resiliency. Hale Irwin, 50. You okay with that? Figure out your weakness and dont make it your weakness anymore. Stacy Lewis, 60. P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. Your source for the latest and greatest golf news, tips, gear reviews, and giveaways. But there is a difference between playing well and hitting the ball well. If you want to share these funny golf quotes pictures on social media like Fb, Insta, WhatsApp, or Twitter, you can also do that. Spice things up with these dirty golf jokes. Boo who? Or on top." "I have lovemaking with you a lot in my head." "Let's have a 'who's better in b3d' contest. A married couple were golfing when all of a sudden the wife asks, Wife: Honey, if I die, will you marry again?, Wife: Will you let her sleep in our bed?, Wife: Would you even let her use my golf clubs?. Lorii Myers, Long, long afterward, in a whin / I found the golf-ball, black as sin / But the five shillings are missing still! Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, Of course. To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. Because all the other four letter words were taken. "We learn so many things from golfhow to suffer, for instance.". 50 Side-Splitting Golf Puns & Jokes For Any Situation The cat crawls out at night to smoke them and we are trying to get him to quit. "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.". Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?, Mr. Palmer replied, Do you own a 3 iron?. Whats the shortest distance between the tee and the hole? 2. Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. Ben Hogan, To find a mans true character, play golf with him. Many of these expressions of life, result in taking the form of wishes, quotes, greetings, messages, and captions. If I learn that you are a fan of diving - I would suppose that your psychological portrait includes such features as curiosity, patience, and insistence. Whats the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball? Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. Bruce Crampton making us think more than wed like to. From the moment I saw you, I've had a vertical shaft angle. P.G. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. Dirty Golfing Quotes Joke, Sick Golfing Quotes Jokes, Funny Golfing Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife? Kurt Philip Behm, The reason they call it golf is that all the other 4 letter words were used up. She can only show you her dirty secrets in private, only with you. A bad attitude is worse than a bad swing. Payne Stewart, 48. Man: Please dont go. 8. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, You know, when I was your age, Id hit the ball right over that tree. With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. Think the shot through in advance before you address the ball. Tiger Woods can drive a ball three hundred yards! You swing left and the ball goes right. 19th Hole Bonus Quote: While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. The most important shot in golf is the next one. He looked at his caddie and said, Ive played so badly all day, I think Im going to drown myself in that lake., The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, Im not sure you could keep your head down that long.. You shot an eight. I have been able to hope for the best, expect the worst, and take what comes along. Missed the ball and sank the divot. / It is a gait he only knows / When he has on his golfing clothes. A great shot is when you pull it off. A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the breaks. Gary Player, 53. Your email address will not be published. Just 130+ Golf Jokes So Funny They're A Hole In One - Scary Mommy So, I'm on the first tee with him. What does a woman do with her asshole before sex? Knock, knock 700 Golf Humor | Cartoons ideas | golf humor, golf, humor - Pinterest Golfing is a lot like masturbation. Winston S. Churchill, You ought to take more exercise if youre inclined to have a liver. "Hockey is a sport for white men. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?" Youre shooting for the green, and yet, in the end you find yourself in the hole. Americans infatuated with golf established country and golf clubs, built ornate clubhouses, laid out inland park courses, experimented with new types of equipment, and even modified time-honored rules. Pick the quote from here which describes your inner thought. What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? Damn, my shaft's all bent. Tahiti hole in one, you need to hit the golf ball straight. 3. Jay Griffiths, Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. On a golf course, nature is neutered. I had a terrible round today, I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake. Are you a Nike One Platinum ball because I'd like to see you on a T? Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.". Everyday I'm Schauffele. 6. Colleen Ferrary Bader, Behold, my child, this touching scene, the golfer on the golfing-green / Pray mark his legs uncanny swing / The golf-walk is a gruesome thing! How would you like to do something I won't do for anyone on the PGA tour? Ive got some real trouble down here., Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: Whats the matter, John? We have compiled the best list of pick up lines with references to golf style, golf clubs, golf course, and various famous golf celebrity. I figured my local caddy knew this course a whole lot better than me, so I just put my hand out and played whatever club he put in it. Many golfing terms sound naughty. Jordan is a golf lover and the founder of Cyber Caddie. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh. Check out these hilarious jokes that are guaranteed to make you smile. So I thought I should start a website about jokes. P.G. The 18 Best Golf Movies You Need To Watch In 2023, Top 14 Golf Podcasts You Should Listen To (Updated 2023), 7 Left Handed Golf Tips To Crush The Competition, 50 Side-Splitting Golf Puns & Jokes For Any Situation, Practicing Golf At Home: 10 Tricks To Improve Your Game. Success depends almost entirely on how effectively you learn to manage the games two ultimate adversaries: the course and yourself. Jack Nicklaus, 45. Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter! How I Lost Weight Playing Golf & Other Golf Benefits, Golf And Fitness Tips from a TPI Golf Fitness Instructor, How to Improve Your Handicap and Golf Game, How To Know What Golf Club to Use on the Golf Course, Goal Setting is a Great Way to Improving Your Golf Game, Best Putters for Women 2023 Find the Best Ladies Putters, Black Friday and Cyber Monday Golf Discounts. Knock, knock Hilarious Golf Jokes That Will Have You Laughing on the Course | RD.ca Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. Why do golfers hate cake? Rory McIlroy has a GOOD driver! Jim Murray. It can be rewarding. I'm Tiger Woods. Just ask my ex -wives. Don Adams, Theres an old saying in golf that when the wind blows the men are separated from the boys. 7. Don't dirt your soul. Thats how long a Scotsman takes to finish a bottle of Scotch! Toggle Navigation Menu . I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." What's the difference between a golf ball and a car? Bobby Darnel, If you want to hook a ball turn both hands toward the right side on the grip or shaft. From the best players to ever pick up a club to past presidents of the United States, the game of golf is the great equalizer. 21 FUNNIEST Golf Jokes 2023 (with Puts and Puns) - Jokes Quotes Factory Again the announcement: Would the man on the womens tee kindly back up the mens tee!, Mike had had enough and shouted: Would the horses ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!. Big pupils lead to big scores. Full Text: Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? The worst club in my bag is my brain. Chris Perry, 42. Just in case they get a slice! A guy will spend 10 minutes trying to find his lost golf ball. If you can smoke and drink while youre doin it, its not a sport. Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. Bruce Crampton, 63. Robert Fuller Murray, Be a mind beater-not a ball beater. They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken. Ray Floyd, 41. Would you like to see my Slazenger along with my freshly cleaned balls? 85+ Funny Golf Quotes That Will Be A Hit At The Clubhouse The grass is clean, a lawn laundry that wipes away the mud, the insect, the bramble, nettle, and thistle, an Eezy-wipe lawn where nothing of life, dirty and glorious, remains. Your email address will not be published. A threesome were getting ready to tee off on the 10thwhen they notice a single player, running up the fairway, taking a shot almost immediately to then run up to the green for a 3 putt to put it in. Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course the space between your ears. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. Whos there? Why did the golfer have to change his socks? If you win through bad sportsmanship, thats no real victory. Babe Didrikson Zaharias, 11. When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. Golf?! See photos about 15 very funny (and occasionally inappropriate) golf memes from Golf Digest Knock, knock With this in mind, here are the 10 funniest golf quotes of all time. My windows aren't dirty, that's just my dog's nose art! You want some dirty golfing jokes, we got them for you. Share these images with quotes about funny golf with family, friends, mates, colleagues, and all your acquaintances. So we finish the 18th, and he's gonna stiff me. Your butt reminds me of St Andrews.. Hard and Firm. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. Please accept the terms of our newsletter. Jack Lemmon is probably remembered best for his roles in The Odd Couple and The Apartment. It took one afternoon on the golf course. His playing partner: Wow that was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever witnessed., Man: Well, I was married to her for 30 years.. Well, I bet that these Knock Knock Golf Jokes can knock you up in the ground laughing! Why dont grasshoppers play golf? If a bird sh#ts on your golf cart, do not ever take her golfing again. What does masturbation and 4 putting have in common? Important advice: if you golf during the election, make sure you cast your absent-tee ballot! He couldnt stop puttzing around! And maybe that same element inspires the poets, writers and artists to pay homage to golfor at least lament its cruelty. I hope you like it rough because I don't replace my divots. Such is the game. This post may contain affiliate links. I'm still working on my approach, but I think I have a pretty good swing. Gone golfin' be back dark thirty. Funny Golf Quotes You know you're on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do. Ewan McGregor, It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. 75 Hilarious Golf Puns and One-Liners That Don't Suck document.getElementById("copyright_year").innerHTML = new Date().getFullYear(); We do our best to represent colors accurately, but viewing screens vary from one to another, and from real life. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. In case he gets a hole in one. Keep your sense of humor. And it's damn funny. Trust is one of the most important qualities in the game of golf. Whats the easiest shot to make in golf? John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: Hey Don, come here. Dirty Golf Pick Up Lines; Dirty Music Pick Up Lines; Dirty Holiday Pick Up Lines; Who do golfers pay tribute to on the 4th of July? Lift your head and spread your legs. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? It means, in so many words, that if you can golf when the wind is blowing youre a man; if not, youre still a boy. 2023 Lynn on the Links, LLC All Rights Reserved. Concentrate on the one fault you want to overcome. Sam Snead, 55. Sam Snead. All lip, no hole. The most important shot in golf is the next one. Ben Hogan making a joke, we think, it was hard to tell with him. Spread your legs a little more. Leslie Nielsen, Mini-golf is a lot like life. Peter Jacobson, 33. Mini Golf Captions. 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Confidence is the most important single factor in this game, and no matter how great your natural talent, there is only one way to obtain and sustain it: work. Jack Nicklaus, 3. What do you call a blonde at a golf course? The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. Jack Lemmon, a true comedian on and off the course. Learn More. Features: Size: 3.5x10 inches Made from solid knotty pine Routed slot in back for hanging plus flat edges for optional shelf-sitting. My drives aren't always long and straight.. but I can show you what is! Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3. Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl. I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer! 4. 2. "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.".